Beyond Me

My complicated life. I try to ‘decomplicate’ my life but each time I try, I find myself complicating it the more. Sometimes, I’m obsessed with loving myself and I can be too hard on myself as well. Which way? I want peace. I search for love. Under my duvet I ask myself many questions that I get stuck while finding answers. I dress up, apply the best perfume, my heart beats, I want to bond but I’m engulfed by my regrets, by questions like does it really worth it.

I want to be free. I want it badly. Freedom goes again to put me in the prison of my own insensitivity. No one cares. I assure myself every time I think about it. Life is a race and only a few gets to the finish line. Where is the finish line? Why is life even a race? In a race, there are rules. In life, there are rules too. In a race, there is only one acceptable formula. I’m not sure if there is only one formula in life. We are in a race whose end we know nothing about. When our friend falls, we unknowingly step on him or her. We move on. We continue even when we don’t know if we will be able to keep up and not fall as well.

In a race, there is the same beginning for all. I’m not sure if this is also the case in life. What will the son of a slave do? I imagine my life in different circumstances. What if I was very powerful? What would I use my power to do? What will the son of a money launderer do when what pays his bills is coming from his sweet father? Let him come to the trenches. Not forgetting that we admire people who are rich. I’ve not seen somebody as confused as us. We admire our oppressors’ wealth yet we protest against oppression. I’m talking to myself. In fact let me stop. Ibadan people don’t talk too much lol.

We will all pay for it. A rich person will pay with his personal space. A famous person will pay with his mental health, with her family. We are all fucked. Choose your price wisely. Which way? I turn to Johnson and I should not have. Johnson thinks life is just one, Johnson thinks he can figure out all our lives. Johnson is not delusional. Johnson is just like me, finding a way to ‘decomplicate’ his life.

I turn to Zainab too. She just wants to talk. I can tell that a lot is on her mind. I can’t find myself but soon did I realise that my story does not have to follow any traditional arch. I have millions of followers but none understands. And I can understand their ignorance. Really, no one has been here before. I cannot find myself. I don’t know if I’m being fake or real. I dozed off.

All I want to become, will it worth it? What have I done? Will I ever find love? Or true happiness? We are fickle. Even the sun ‘come and go’. We betray and we get betrayed. The world is crazy. But as crazy as the world is, there is still a part that is beautiful but sadly, it is locked. Only one person can unlock it. Just one person.

When did money start controlling us? Not me thinking it is just I do this for you and you do this for me like a trade by barter. I don’t know what has come over me. Why have I made money my everything? Even my nails talk about money. I hear a calm voice and I choose to listen to myself and to think that all of these is universal. We all are fucked. If money is everything, it is also our fall, our end, our vanishing.

Will I still find love? I have slept for about six hours and I can remember the last thing I told myself. In this crazy world, there is a beautiful part that only I can unlock. Show love and forget about the other part. I am enough.

Artwork credit: @ojayartworksng on Instagram